Geezer Offers Advice to Younger Generations

As an official senior citizen, I’ve noticed the biggest misconception young people have about old people is this: young people assume that old folks have been old for so long that our default setting is “geezer.” That is: we are old people, we think like old people, we act like old people, and we have no understanding of what it’s like to be a young person.

For example, when I was a mere lad, I assumed my grandmother had always been old. Then one day, I saw an old photo of her when she was about 30. That photo blew my mind. I couldn’t believe she once was a regular person. 

That way of thinking, I suppose, is understandable for a little kid. However, that view of elderly people doesn’t change much when little kids become young adults. 

In my case, age 70 is only a few years away. I am definitely old, and I know it and accept it. But when you look at the timeline of my life, being old is a very small percentage. I once saw a T-shirt that read: “I don’t act my age because I’m new at being old.” That kind of sums it up for me.

My 50th high school reunion will be happening in another year or so. And I can already tell you the most frequent comment that will be made at that event: “I can’t believe we got old so quickly!”

I guarantee my classmates will exclaim that statement dozens and dozens of times. How do I know that? Because other friends and coworkers who are in my age range have been exclaiming that very same thing for the past decade.

Even though I am officially a geezer now, I can vividly remember being a teenager and playing football and baseball in high school. It doesn’t seem like it was all that long ago.

I can remember when our daughters were really young, a time preserved forever in video. Apparently, back then you were not allowed to use the video camera on any days except December 24th and 25th. All of our family videos were shot during Christmases over the course of many years. But those videos are still wonderful keepsakes of those delightful times. It was over three decades ago, but in my mind those days seem very recent.

So, I wish younger generations understood this about old people: we are genuinely stunned that we are old. During the vast majority of our lives we were not old. The aging process happened so quickly and we were quite surprised when half our hair turned gray and the old half turned loose. We were, and still are, surprised that we now have more doctors than close friends.

Just think back to your first days of being a freshman in high school. Everything was new and a little frightening. You didn’t know your way around at all. Well, that’s the way senior citizens feel about being old. It’s all new and a little frightening. 

Even though young people are convinced that we are crotchety old geezers (which, of course, we are), we weren’t always like this. During the vast majority of our lives we were young. In the back of our minds, we still believe we are young.

So, young people of the world: please cut us some slack. This old age thing is new and uncharted territory for us. And don’t forget: someday, sooner than you think, you will be in the exact same situation. When that happens, I would like to be able to say to you, “Ha, I told you so!” But that likely will not happen, since I don’t expect to live to be 109 years old.

The Two Most Important Days

Mark Twain once said, “The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.” 

When I first heard this quotation, I was watching a religious video. When the person said the first most important day is “the day you are born,” I immediately thought he was about to say the second most important day is the day you die. In Christian theology, physical death is not the end, it’s just the beginning. The first important day, the day of our birth, is when we join the Church Militant, those of us who fight the spiritual struggle that defines our time here on earth. Then, at the moment of our death, that’s when we (hopefully) join the Church Triumphant, those who live in eternal joy in Heaven. 

Of course, there are a couple of other options at the moment of death. We also could join the Church Suffering, those souls that are in Purgatory going through spiritual bootcamp to prepare for the joys of Heaven. Finally, people who die without having any genuine repentance for their sins or expressing any sincere faith in God end up outside of God’s love forever. The Bible makes it very clear that this state of eternal existence is, um, well, let’s just say it’s not very pleasant.

Anyway, when I first heard Twain’s quotation, that’s what I thought the second part would be: the day of our death. Obviously, in that fraction of a second, I didn’t think the whole thing through with the same level of detail I’ve explained in the previous two paragraphs. But I just thought the guy was about to say, “The day you die.”

So, I was a bit surprised when he said, “The day you find out why.” I thought, “Ooh, that’s clever. I didn’t see that coming.” Mark Twain was known for being rather clever, and this is a good example.

Finding out why you were born means discovering your purpose in life. For many people these days, their main purpose in life seems to be maximizing comfort and pleasure, and accumulating as much material wealth as possible. But those things are so fleeting; here one day and gone the next.

Seeking our true purpose for being alive means we have to look at the religious and spiritual component of this topic. After all, if we assume there is a WHY to our existence, then our Creator has to be part of the discussion. You see, if there is no Creator, if our existence is just a random cosmic accident, then there is no WHY. We just appeared on this planet for a brief time — no plan or purpose — and when we’re gone, that’s it.

Since we have a supernatural Creator, there is a WHY to our existence. The reason God created us is very simple: love. Jesus could not have been more clear when He taught that the two greatest commandments are to love God with all your heart, and to love your neighbor as yourself. 

That is the answer to the second part of Mark Twain’s quotation. The reason we were born was to enter into loving relationships — first with God, our Creator; and second with the other people God has put in our path during this adventure called life. 

Loving relationships are eternal. These relationships most definitely can continue on forever in Heaven. The eternal aspect of love makes it purposeful, not fleeting. 

Even though Mark Twain reportedly was very skeptical about religion, his famous quotation has a religious component, whether he intended that or not. The two most important days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find out that the main reason you were created is to love God and to love your neighbor.

Everything else people focus on in this hectic world takes a distant back seat to our primary purpose in life: love. And the source of all love in the world is the Lord God Almighty. 

The Only Thing Certain Is Our Uncertainty

The Transfiguration is a famous event during the earthly ministry of Jesus. Bringing along three of His disciples — Peter, James, and John — Jesus went up on a high mountain, and suddenly His clothing and His body became dazzling white with a supernatural glow. Then heroes from the history of Israel, Elijah and Moses, appeared and conversed with Jesus.

Needless to say, the three disciples were awestruck by the three glowing people. The Bible explains that Peter “hardly knew what to say, they were so terrified” (Mark 9:6).

When it was over, as they were walking back down from the mountain, Jesus told His three disciples not to tell anyone what they had just witnessed, “except when the Son of Man has been raised from the dead” (Mark 9:9). Then Scripture says, “So they kept the matter to themselves, questioning what rising from the dead meant” (Mark 9:10).

This is one of many incidents in the Bible when Jesus’ disciples were confused. Now, don’t forget: these men left everything behind to be with Jesus. They put their faith in the Lord and trusted Him completely. They were destined to be the founding fathers of the Church. And yet, they were often confused. They did not understand many of the things Jesus said, and they understood even less about Jesus’ plans for the future. The fact they were baffled by Jesus’ statement about “rising from the dead” proves that Jesus’ Apostles, the chosen Twelve, did not have anything close to certainty when it came to Jesus’ mission.

This episode from Scripture, which reminds us that even the founding fathers of the Church were not sure about everything regarding religious faith, should make us pause. If famous saints like Peter, James, and John were often befuddled about Jesus’ plans and intentions, then who are we to act as if we know exactly how everything should be?

If you haven’t noticed, nowadays there are a lot of people who are convinced that they know exactly what God wants us to do. And not only are those folks absolutely certain that they’re right and everyone else is wrong, they’ve taken it to another level by insisting that those who disagree with them must be evil.

Most people have witnessed this phenomenon in the polarized political world. Countless people on both sides of the aisle are passionately certain that they’re right and their evil opponents are wrong. If the opponents are evil, then it’s perfectly acceptable to demonize them. 

Well, a similar situation exists in the religious world. It’s frightening how many people these days are absolutely certain that they, and they alone, have the real truth. For example, on one side there are folks who insist that God wants ONLY the Latin Mass. On the other side, there are people who insist God wants anything BUT the Latin Mass. Instead of this being a “different people have different preferences” kind of situation, many on both sides of this debate are taking an absolutist position: “I’m right and anyone who disagrees with me is following the devil.” 

Unfortunately, there are many other religious topics that are just as contentious.

Now, obviously there are certain doctrines that are non-negotiable. The statements listed in the Nicene Creed come to mind: God is real, He’s our Creator, Jesus is the Son of God, He really rose from the dead, etc. But most other religious issues are not as clear cut. If Peter, James, and John were alive on earth today, they just might say to us, “Whoa, chill out, guys. We’re not gonna know everything with certainty until we get to Heaven. For now, the Lord wants us to love Him and love other people. Acting like know-it-all Pharisees is not a good look.”

So, let’s learn from Biblical events like the Transfiguration. The top three Apostles were often confused and unsure what Jesus wanted. But they knew Jesus was the Lord, so they continued to put their faith in Him and they trusted that it all would eventually make sense.

That’s exactly what Jesus wants us to do: Love God; Love our neighbor; and when in doubt, err on the side of Mercy. 

Time to Reminisce with Total Strangers

The other day I received an invitation to a 50th high school reunion. It’s going to be held at a fancy restaurant in July. At first, I thought the committee of my old classmates was exceptionally organized, since our 50th isn’t until next year. “Wow, they’re planning this thing a year and a half in advance,” I thought. “Well, there were many goody-goodies in my class, the ones who, on Friday afternoons, would remind the teacher to give us homework.”

But then I read the invitation a bit closer, and discovered the reunion is for a different class from a different high school in a different town. That school had a student also named William Dunn. The reunion committee searched online and came up with my name and address. So, now I’m invited to attend a party and reminisce about all the fun times I had with a bunch of people I’ve never met before.

At first I was going to send a note explaining they had the wrong person. But then I thought, no, I think I’m going to accept the invitation. I’ll register for the event and send them a check. It could be a very interesting evening. I bet I could convince a lot of them that I was indeed one of their classmates a half-century ago. I’m confident for one simple reason: at age 68 people don’t look anything like they did at age 18. 

When I attended my 40th high school reunion nine years ago — with the actual people who were my classmates — I recognized very few of them, and very few recognized me. If it wasn't for the name tags we were required to wear, which included our yearbook photo, we all would’ve spent the night saying, “And, um, who are you again?” rather than what we did say, “So great to see you! You haven’t changed a bit!”

In the mid-1970s as teenagers we were all skinny with way too much hair. (Don’t forget, the ‘70s is known as the “decade that fashion forgot.”) Four decades later we all were, um, how should I phrase this? We all were rather stocky with very little hair. And this was true for the men, too.

If I go to the reunion this summer for that incorrect class and school, I’m certain I’ll fit right in. No one will have any idea that I never attended their school, mostly because they won’t recognize the people who DID attend their school. I’ll laugh along as people describe some of the crazy things I supposedly did in high school, and then I’ll embellish those stories (because that’s kind of my superpower) with some completely outlandish tales. Won’t they be surprised to find out I was the one who set off the cherry bomb in the teacher’s lounge toilet! It will be a fun night.

Of course, to pull this off, I will have to do a little research. I’ll have to track down some data about that particular class and that particular school. I’ll need information such as the names of the school principal, football coach, our class valedictorian (ooh, maybe it was me?), the homecoming queen (ooh, maybe she was my girlfriend?), and some of the infamous teachers. If it turns out I was married for a while to the homecoming queen, that will be an opportunity for some REALLY outlandish stories.

It will be helpful if their yearbook is posted online somewhere. Then I can find the other William Dunn’s photo to see what I used to look like. If it turns out he was a 5-ft 6-in Black guy, that’s still no problem. After all, over the span of 50 years, people change a lot! 

God Is Not an Egomaniac

Over the years, I’ve heard some people claim that the God of the Bible is actually a nasty egomaniac. Why do they say this? Because the God of the Bible, according to their interpretation, demands that people worship Him, or else those people will be cast into Hell. These critics say that anyone who demands that others worship him is a tyrant, pure and simple.

Well, we can’t really argue with that statement, since it’s true that anyone who demands that others worship him is most definitely a tyrant. However, the claim that this is what God does is simply wrong. God does not demand that people worship Him. He does, however, strongly suggest that we should be devoted to Him, not because His ego needs it, but because it’s best for us.

Just pause and consider the reality of our situation: God is the almighty, all-knowing, all-powerful, eternal Lord of the Universe. He created us — not the other way around.  If we compare ourselves to God, we quickly realize that we are just specks of dust. Everything we have was given to us by God, including our very existence. It’s only right that we acknowledge the vast differences between us, and offer our Creator thanks for what He’s done for us. That is in our best interest. God is not desperately fishing for compliments. His self-esteem is fine.

Think of loving parents and their small child. The parents don’t NEED the child’s respect and affection. But when the child does love and trust the parents, it’s a beautiful thing. Most importantly, it is what’s best for the child.

Of course, human beings are not perfect, as God is. The reality of sin clouds our existence here on earth. There are examples (far too many, sadly) of parents who are self-absorbed tyrants. This unfortunately causes a lot of emotional dysfunction in our fallen world. 

However, when the parent/child relationship is filled with love and respect, that relationship is a good example for us of how the God/human relationship ought to be.

If you haven’t noticed, there are a lot of people in our culture who no longer believe in or worship God. But if you don’t worship God, that does not mean that you worship nothing. Everybody worships something. It’s built into our DNA. Blaise Pascal, who wasn’t around to learn about chromosomes and the genetic code, put it this way: “There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of every [person] which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God the Creator.”

A lot of people nowadays are desperately trying to fill this “God-shaped hole” in their hearts, but they end up worshiping the wrong things: money, power, sex, popularity, entertainment, education, and pleasure. Quite often people worship themselves. All we have to do is watch the evening news to see how well that’s working out.

So, the bottom line is this: God doesn’t need us to worship Him. And He doesn’t DEMAND that we do so. Throughout salvation history God has communicated to humankind that it’s in our best interest to give thanks and praise to our Creator.

God is neither an egomaniac nor a tyrant. He is a loving father who longs to share His love with His oftentimes wayward children. When we worship our Creator — when we enter into a loving relationship with the Lord who cares so much for us — the benefits are twofold. First, our level of contentment and peace is maximized during our time here on earth. Second, and more importantly, we will experience eternal joy in Heaven once our time on earth is over.

It doesn’t get any better than that! 

Digital Tickets Work Great — Until They Don’t

Have you ever tried to get on an airplane, with your boarding pass showing on your smartphone, and then just as you reach the front of the line, your phone shuts off, the screen goes blank, and you end up spending the evening in Connecticut while your luggage flies to Atlanta? 

No? That’s never happened to you? OK, it hasn’t happened to me either — yet. But it’s a scenario that keeps me awake at night. I’m convinced it’s just a matter of time before my phone dies at the worst possible moment and my boarding pass or my ticket to a sporting event just disappears into, um, wherever digital images go when your phone stops working. I suspect those digital images end up in a file cabinet on the 4th floor of a nondescript office building in Poughkeepsie. (Just kidding. I know digital images don’t go to Poughkeepsie. That would be too easy. I could just drive over there and retrieve them. Where those images really go is probably somewhere far beyond the planet Mars.)

I have used digital tickets on my phone many times during the past few years. And every single time things worked out fine. I got on the plane, or I got into the arena to watch the ballgame. But I would much rather go old school and use a paper boarding pass or ticket. When I have a paper ticket in my hand, I know it’s not going to go blank. I know it does not need a battery (that I haven’t recharged in a while) to operate properly. I know a paper ticket is not going to suddenly require me to enter my password again just as I reach the front of the line, which causes everyone directly behind me to groan when it becomes clear that the anxiety of the situation has caused my brain to go blank regarding the 6-digit password I usually type 20 times a day without a hitch. 

I understand that it’s possible to lose a paper boarding pass or paper ticket. But it’s also possible to lose your smartphone. Which of those options is worse? Losing a paper boarding pass so you miss a flight? Or losing everything stored on your phone so you miss the rest of your life? Most people have the following items stored on their smartphones: emails, text messages, everybody’s contact info, appointment calendar, photographs, videos, credit card numbers, passwords, books, and movies. Oh, and boarding passes, too.

Personally, I’d rather lose a paper boarding pass and ruin a trip, than lose my smartphone and ruin the next seven years of my life. 

Even though I have never had a problem to date with a digital boarding pass or event ticket on my phone, I have experienced that horrifying moment when a smartphone just drops dead. One minute it was working fine, and the next minute it could do nothing. I’m not sure of the exact cause of death. I brought it to a phone repair shop and the young technician mumbled something about the battery or the software or the main processor chip. Or maybe he said it was termites. I really don’t know.

I had to get a new phone and everything stored on the old phone was lost forever. That traumatic experience prompted me to start paying a mere 3 bucks per month to have all the data on my phone backed up to Apple’s servers. The best money I’ve ever spent.

I know you can’t turn back the clock on progress. Smartphone boarding passes are here to stay. But sometimes the old ways are just more trustworthy. And by the way, what’s this I hear about airplanes not using propellers anymore? 

Disparate Juxtaposition Causes Apoplectic Reactions

In addition to this weekly newspaper column, I write a faith essay each week, which I then record for WJMJ, the Catholic radio station for the Hartford Archdiocese. Every week I also put together a group email with the two essays and send it out to a few hundred relatives, friends, and total strangers. (So, yes, I may be one of the people contributing to the glut of unsolicited messages in your email inbox. Sorry.)

Anyway, I occasionally get email notes that express concern about the juxtaposition of two such disparate themes in the group emails I send out. The first thing I do when I receive notes like this is look up the definition of the words juxtaposition and disparate. 

A recent note I received summarized the general sentiment of these messages: “You wrote about your colonoscopy — in detail! — and then 2 seconds later you’re talking about one of Jesus’ most important parables??? That’s sacrilegious!!!”

OK, the first thing to understand is, I don’t write the two essays two seconds apart. I write the humor column for the newspaper when I’m in a goofy mood. And then at some other time when I’m in a more spiritual mood, I write the faith essay. But if you’ve ever read or heard those faith essays, you know that goofiness is always lurking just below the surface. This is because, as it’s been pointed out to me by a loved one, I am living proof that youth is fleeting but immaturity can last forever. Guilty as charged. 

The second thing to understand is, three consecutive question marks or three consecutive exclamation points will make your English teacher quite apoplectic. (Yeah, I had to look up the definition of that word, too.) I realize no English teacher will see your email message to me, and as an Engineering major who received a C-minus in Freshman Composition, I am certainly not qualified to add or deduct points. I’m just saying the triple punctuation marks are not necessary!!! Understand???

Now that I think about it, I didn’t even discuss my colonoscopy in detail in that recent essay. I did, however, go into rather graphic detail in a newspaper column about 17 years ago, after the first time I experienced that procedure. This time around, I was much more refined and mature — except maybe for the “Kodak camera duct-taped to the end of a garden hose” comment. 

What I try to do with my writing is bring a little levity to faith topics, something, in my opinion, the religious world desperately needs. And I occasionally try to interject a little faith into my humor columns. I think I’m doing a pretty good job of this, based on the vast number of offers I’ve received from publishing companies and religious broadcasters. (Total number of offers to date: exactly one, which occurred about two decades ago when an elderly gentleman read a religious book I had written, and then begged me to relocate to Mississippi and take over as head writer and editor of his fundamentalist Baptist monthly magazine. I think he had a nervous breakdown when I finally broke the news to him that I’m Catholic. And I am not kidding. That really happened.)

By the way, if you are a glutton for punishment, er, I mean, if you are unaware of my faith essays and are interested in receiving my weekly email blast, just send me a note at MerryCatholic@gmail.com and I’ll put you on the list. And don’t worry, if you decide it’s not your cup of tea, just request that I remove your email address from my group list, and I will promptly, um, think about it.